Conflict is a reality that we all face – whether a historical grievance between siblings, a dispute between neighbours, or a lawsuit with someone outside our circle. Conflict is universal. What matters is not the mere existence of conflict, but how we choose to resolve it.  

Often within a conflict, the default response is to blame and point out the faults of the other person, while failing to acknowledge how our own actions or words have caused or contributed to a conflict. This pattern of blaming and deflecting responsibility may feel satisfying in the moment, but it rarely leads to meaningful and lasting solutions. 

Healthy relationships (characterized by mutual love, care, respect, and commitment) are the essence of life. 

According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the most significant predictor of overall wellbeing is not one’s wealth, career, or popularity, but instead is the quality of our connections and relationships with others.  

A healthy relationship is not one where the parties engage in peace-faking (avoiding or pretending that conflict doesn’t exist), or peace-breaking (verbal attacks, or selfishly trying to “win” arguments). Instead, truly emotionally mature relationships are ones in which the parties recognize that conflict is a part of life, but are committed to peacemaking through seeking to understand the other’s perspective, taking responsibility for past wrongs, and engaging in restorative communication.  

One of the most powerful ways to meaningfully address conflict is first to honestly examine our own actions, and whether we played a role in causing or contributing to the conflict.  If after honest and meaningful reflection, we believe we have contributed to or even caused a conflict, we should consider admitting and acknowledging our mistakes and wrongdoing to the other person, and making a sincere and comprehensive apology.  It must be noted however, that a person should never be forced, manipulated, or shamed into giving an apology – such apologies often do more harm than good.  For an apology to be effective, it must be sincere (not forced via shame or manipulation), and borne out of true inner sorrow for hurting someone or doing wrong (not worldly sorrow for getting caught).

There are various frameworks for how to make a sincere and comprehensive apology. While we never want an apology to be a rigid checklist we complete out of obligation, having guidance regarding how to apologize can be of assistance. The following is a helpful list of the key components of a sincere and comprehensive apology (adapted with permission from RW Blog dated February 12, 2018, © Ken Sande, Relational Wisdom 360):

• Address everyone involved: The apology should extend as far as the offence, and address all persons affected.
• Avoid if, but, and maybe:  Words such as "if" (e.g. saying “I’m sorry if I did something wrong...”) tend to diminish or negate the effect of an apology.
• Admit specifically: It is far more effective to be specific (rather than vague) when admitting our wrongs.
• Acknowledge the hurt: Express genuine sorrow for hurting someone.  
• Accept the consequences:  For example, by providing compensation (if applicable), which demonstrates a willingness to accept responsibility by seeking to restore the injured party to their former position.
• Alter your behaviour:  Explain how you plan to work on changing your behaviour. In some cases of deeply entrenched patterns, this may involve seeking professional help such as counselling or other forms of treatment.
• Ask for forgiveness:  There is something profound that occurs when we seek and extend forgiveness to one another.

One of the beautiful things about rendering a sincere and comprehensive apology and taking responsibility for our actions is that it can help to promote healing within the person we have affected (and ourselves). Additionally, in situations where both parties have contributed to a conflict, a meaningful apology by one person may open the door to the other person being willing to examine their own actions and role within the conflict. As defences are laid down, both parties are able to more easily consider the other person’s perspective and interests, and engage in a constructive and thoughtful conversation. While restoration is rarely instantaneous, by being honest and humble about our own contributions to a conflict, and speaking with heartfelt sincerity, we can take the first step on this journey.